"You Just Need To Stay Positive!"

If you’ve heard this phrase while navigating fertility challenges, you’re not alone. On the surface, it sounds like encouragement—a gentle nudge to find hope in a difficult situation. But for many, facing the emotional rollercoaster of fertility treatments, miscarriages, or uncertainty, this kind of advice often feels as if it misses the mark.

While positivity can be helpful in the right context, a relentless insistence on optimism, known as toxic positivity, dismisses real emotions, amplifies guilt, and isolates those already feeling vulnerable. Its impact can often undermine a person’s ability to cope with challenges and damage their relationships with others.

What Is Toxic Positivity?

At its core, toxic positivity is the belief that maintaining a positive mindset is the only acceptable response to life’s challenges. It’s an obsession with finding the silver lining, even when doing so leaves no room for darker, more complex emotions.

Phrases like:

• “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “Just be grateful for what you have.”

Although often well-intentioned, these statements oversimplify the depth of someone’s pain, dismissing their reality. The message is clear: Uncomfortable emotions are unwelcome, and any deviation from optimism is a failure of character.

The Hidden Impacts of Toxic Positivity in Fertility Struggles

Beyond invalidating emotions, toxic positivity has broader and less obvious consequences. These hidden impacts can shape the way individuals process their journey, connect with others, and view themselves.

1. It Erodes Emotional Resilience

Paradoxically, the pressure to stay positive can make people less equipped to handle adversity. Resilience isn’t built by denying hardship—it’s built by acknowledging pain, processing it, and finding ways to move forward. Toxic positivity short-circuits this process, leaving individuals emotionally stagnant.

2. It Creates a False Narrative of Control

When people internalize messages like, “If you stay positive, it will happen,” it fosters the illusion that outcomes are directly tied to their mindset. If treatments fail or miscarriages occur, this narrative can spiral into self-blame: “Did I not think positively enough?” This misplaced sense of responsibility can exacerbate feelings of failure.

3. It Undermines Relationships

Toxic positivity can create a rift between those experiencing fertility challenges and their support systems. Friends and family may lean on positivity as a way to avoid discomfort, leaving the person struggling to feel unseen and misunderstood. Over time, this disconnect can lead to emotional withdrawal and isolation.

Why “Staying Positive” Isn’t the Solution

True positivity isn’t about glossing over pain. It’s about holding space for the complexity of human emotions—allowing sadness, anger, and disappointment to coexist with hope. This distinction is especially critical during fertility challenges, where the stakes are high and the path forward is often unclear.

From a psychological perspective, denying negative emotions doesn’t make them disappear. Instead, these emotions can manifest in other ways, such as heightened anxiety, irritability, or physical symptoms. Processing and integrating difficult emotions is essential for mental and emotional well-being.

How Toxic Positivity Shapes Society’s View of Fertility Challenges

Beyond the personal toll, toxic positivity reflects a broader cultural discomfort with grief and struggle. Fertility challenges, often shrouded in silence, are particularly vulnerable to this phenomenon. Society’s obsession with productivity and its growing fascination with the idea that positive thinking alone can shape outcomes leave little room for the complex realities of fertility struggles.

This blending of manifesting trends with toxic positivity creates a subtle yet damaging narrative: if you think positively enough, your body and circumstances will align to give you what you desire. While this mindset may seem empowering, it often minimizes the uncontrollable factors involved in fertility and places undue blame on individuals when outcomes don’t go as hoped.

Rethinking Support: Moving Beyond the Quick Fix

Friends and family often default to toxic positivity because it is uncomfortable to witness someone you love in pain, and offering optimism feels like a quick and easy balm. But there are better ways to show up.

1. Embrace Empathy

Instead of saying, “Don’t worry, it’ll happen,” try:

• “I’m here for you, no matter what.”
• “That sounds so hard—how can I support you?”

These statements validate emotions rather than redirecting them, creating a space where the person feels heard and understood.

2. Validate the Full Spectrum of Emotions

Acknowledging pain doesn’t negate hope—it strengthens it. Saying, “It’s okay to feel devastated. “This is really tough,” gives someone permission to grieve without shame.

3. Offer Tangible Support

Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Driving someone to an appointment, preparing a meal, or simply sitting in silence can communicate care more powerfully than any advice.

Reclaiming Emotional Authenticity: Practicing Self-Compassion

For those navigating fertility challenges, combating toxic positivity begins with self-compassion. This means treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a close friend.

1. Allow Yourself to Feel

Sadness, anger, and frustration are natural and valid. Suppressing them doesn’t make you stronger—it prolongs your pain. Journaling or talking to a therapist can help process these emotions in a safe space.

2. Challenge Internalized Guilt

Feeling low isn’t a sign of failure or weakness. Remind yourself: “I’m doing the best I can under incredibly hard circumstances.”

3. Seek Out Affirming Communities

Joining a support group or connecting with others who’ve walked a similar path can provide the understanding and solidarity that toxic positivity often lacks.

The Reframe:

Fertility challenges are deeply personal yet profoundly shaped by the cultural narratives around them. By rejecting toxic positivity in favor of empathy, self-compassion, and authentic connection, we can build a world where those facing these challenges feel seen, heard, and supported.

As you move forward, remember that true support isn’t about finding the perfect words or forcing optimism. It’s about showing up, staying present, and holding space for every emotion along the way. Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can say is simply, “I’m here.”